How do u say goodbye to someone you know you can’t live without. I heard this in some movie. It made so much sense that I decided to write about it. For the last couple of years I have moved from place to place to find solace in sex, drugs, alcohol and women in every way possible and not always in that order. Every time I get drunk I think and people never ask me about it cos they know once they do it just pisses me off. Every time I see that snap she gave me I think what the hell it could have been so much better. People say that time heals everything. I somehow can’t believe that because as I sit here I have never felt so lonely in my life. Maybe because I don’t have any friends or my parents are back in India. I haven’t heard from her in 5 years but I can’t get myself to believe that it won’t work out though something tells me that it was never meant to be. I still can’t get myself to agree to that. I know it would have better had I got some form of closure. She just stopped everything. Calling, talking and everything and the worst of things was that I had to see her everyday. Day in and day out see her frolicking about as if nothing had happened. Although that hurt after 2 years I had the guts to start my life new. So I prayed jus before reaching my destination that “Oh God please be sure I never see her again”. And there she was the minute I got off near my new place. I eventually got another place moved on and tried to fall in love with every single girl I dated. I actually wanted to fall in love with someone I wanted to feel loved in that way. I never did get that feeling again. I mean for the instant that I was with others I never felt the same. But you must have heard that a billion times already. Maybe it is because of the reason that I never got to know the reason I broke up .Eventually I got the courage and one fine early morning I called her and asked me just one question. “Why? “And she continued talking and said are you coming for some wedding and I got pissed and asked what the hell she was talking about. Nothing all I got was it’s been a really long time ago. The conversation ended with me screaming. Maybe people call me stupid and needy and not moving on but maybe its time I said this aloud. Cause every time someone mentions her and looks at me for some approval it kills me. That people somehow still link me with her. Every time I get drunk I fell I maybe should call her and ask why it ended. At least tell me it’s my fault. Blame me! I actually don’t know till date why we broke up. I remember someone actually went ahead and said that I ruined their wedding cos she didn’t come. I mean I traveled half way across the country to go that wedding traveling with almost no money. And the person says why did you call her, now she’s not coming for the wedding. This person actually is very very close to me. This was not something I expected to hear from her. I was devastated. But I continued and I just can’t believe that others don’t believe it was me who got screwed in this whole deal. I have been living with this nightmare for the last 4 years. That every time I sleep I jus hope I don’t dream about her ever again and if I do I never wake up again. You know something which really hurt. That every time I think I have gotten over her something comes back and haunts me. Every time I am alone I think .Maybe I won’t get over her ever again or maybe I will find someone who will take her place but somehow I hope it’s the latter because it’s not easy being alone and thinking about how to say goodbye.