Well finally in Orissa!! And what an amazing feeling so the first deed I do is pick up a bottle of Bacardi rum!! And off with it!! To the Den (Please mind it I never called that place “the Den” until much later).On reaching there wonders of wonders I see one of my college juniors from the yesteryears there!! No names of course but she was stoned and drunk as hell!! This was fine by me!! And then the bottle of Tequila opened!! And this was around the time that my Uncle called and said you have to be in Jajpur Road early in the morning which was fine by me as long as I survived the drinking party the same night!! So the drinking began and eventually by 4 Madu was already buzzing and so was I and somehow we both got on his bike saddled our bags and started our perilous journey to Japur Road totally drunk and by the time we reached there the whole place was just waking up !! This meant I had to see my bike!! And oh what sight L the bike was dismantled and there was some work being done it!!! Which was again against my plans !! The mechanic who was supposed to be fixing the bike had been brought in from Delhi and he stayed in a place called Shree Krishna Lodge!! I think then when we went there we didn’t know what to expect!! On asking the mechanics name the guy on the reception desk removed this HUG HUGE binder and started glancing thru the whole name list of the people who have stayed there!! This was crazy noting the fact that the binder was about 10 inches thick and must have been 1 foot by 1foot. And the rates for living for a day?? 120 rupees!! God !! I think that must have been the cheapest place on the planet!! We were nearing our saturation level cos after heavily getting drunk last night we hadn’t had the time to sleep as yet and it was around 11 in the afternoon and we just wanted to sleep!! So leaving everything aside we somehow dragged our sorry asses to my home and that was such a huge relief!! After sleeping somehow we decided to check out the condition of the bike which somehow was complete by now!! And the test ride began at 7 in the evening!! And it felt like a gem!! Amazing!! Since I couldn’t ride it well Madu did the honors till Panikoili!! And after parking the bike and doing the whole mooh mitha waala thingy we explained to the tons of people surrounding the bike what it was and that we had to leave!! After keeping the bike again in the garage for some few more tune ups and an early morning workup on that we headed to an amazing dhaba called Jana Dhaba !! Amazing food and decent service … After eating soo much we headed for some quiet time and getting some much needed sleep !!

The Great Indian Vacation !! The Arrival Party !!!

Ok Last two months I haven’t been able to blog regularly cos of my traveling and finally took that long overdue vacation!! So India!! Well there is so much to wrote about India !! Let me go from the time that I arrived in India!! The flight was amazing and I had the company of a good friend!!! Whom I introduced to the pleasure of Bacardi coke and a slice of lime!!! :) Well we both discussed about a lot of things!! And since he was form Pakistan I had the pleasure to know his point of view about things which happened in Mumbai recently!! He said the time he was in Pakistan before coming to Kuwait he spent most of his life listening to his local priest who in turn helped to corrupt a lot of minds and he cursed the hell out him. In short he explained to me how his life changed after he arrived in Kuwait and how Pakistan is being destroyed day by day. And the fact that India blames them for every other fact that happens in India!! Which I agree is true yet somehow I can’t believe Pakistan has no hand in whatsoever!! Anyways as I arrived in Namma Bangalore and yes I say Bangalore it was my first time in the new international airport I think this was the first time I was asked being an Indian citizen that what the purpose of my visit to India was!! And as I stepped out of the airport I was very happy to see some of the best friends I will ever have!! Of course I had made sure they knew well in advance about my arrival!! Lucky, Narita and Pratyush were there and wow what an amazing time we had!! As soon as I reached home the usual gang met up including Atul, Rishi and everyone else!! And then Pradosh Bhaiya came along and I was genuinely very very happy to see him!! I guess he represents someone I can see as myself becoming in another 2 to 3 years time I don’t know why that thought pops every time I see him. Anyways I think the plans started formulating for the same night at the same time and I had to get some sleep so after a quick nap and calling Sat I got ready and again late I met up in Garuda Mall!! The people started showing up after that and the most amazing part was Jyoti who drove up all the way from Chennai to party and it was amazing that he could do that!! And then the party really kicked in with Preed playing some amazing music and the whole gang shows up for the after party at my place!! and then the whole gang included Tyron ,Rocky, Aj, Preed ,Timmy ,Benny ,Af ,Reia and everyone else !! I don’t really remember where I slept but I remember waking up and asking for Coffee!! I think the next day was spent just casually moving here and there and getting drunk!! And Sat and shown up and we headed to play some pool above Guzzlers inn and when we thought of partying it just didn’t happen and ended up with all of us drinking in general at home !! And yes I do remember that Rosy had shown up with books and I had an amazing time talking to her after such a long time!! Maybe one of the few people whom I was actually looking forward to meet!! Of course after the whole drinking scenario we were pretty hung over and chilling out was the only option!! Oh yaa then I don’t know why the whole idea of traveling by train popped into my head but the problem lied in the fact that since the last year the whole idea of traveling by train had this romanticism associated to it but was shattered to smithereens when i realized I had 28 or more to travel with a bunch of lousy obnoxious new IT recruits making their way to earn their fruits of labor. Such poor blokes!! : P All I could say was been there and done that!! And as the train arrived closer and closer to Bhubaneshwar I couldn’t wait to be with my old mates again!! And what a reunion!!! Oh god everyone showed up at the station!! And Madu with his arms with flailing about showed the same love I had yearned for since the day I left India!! Pure Oriya love baby!!!

Today I left Lebanon!! Beirut to be specific and also I loved every part of it !! I also found out that I has overpaid for the hotel charges and decided to wisely invest that amount of money on some cds and books!! I didn’t want to be the major contributor to the piracy revolution in general.Recently I had read 4 books in the twilight series and was in the whole reading groove suddenly and wanted to read as much as possible!!! So after investing in some good books I came across this amazing book called “How to lose friends and alienate people” by Toby Young which supposedly produced into an amazing book and I was immediately intrigued > now 79 pages into the book ands finding it extremely interesting on the terms that what satirical humor stands for I now realized that how much I am enjoying this when I took the time to write this blog as something happened while going thru customs and immigration. Let me start from the beginning about my visa related issues!! My visa was issued from the Lebanese embassy in Kuwait which was for 15 days and I had overstayed 7 days and expecting a fine I came pretty early to sort out the issues at the airport. It was then I was going thru the usual immigration issues and the immigration officer found the fault and took me to his supervisor who in turn gave me the old very very dirty eye until he saw my nationality.

“Do you know Shahrukh Khan???”

“Yes”

“Do you know Aishwariya Rai??”

“Yes”

“Do you like Biriyani??”

“Yes”

“Spicy??”

“Yes”

“Did you like Lebanon”

“I loved it “

“Good. Good.I love India very very much !!!!” he exclaimed in his thick Lebanese accent.

That’s when I relaxed.

“Where did u go in Lebanon??”

“I went to Monet street,Gemayzeeh,Forum de Beirut was all I could muster”

“You didn’t go to the mountains “ he said as if I had committed a crime.

“Well I ran out of money”

“Well you spent it in all these places”

Then he exclaimed that “Well I hope you had a good time and are coming back soon”

I asked him “What about the fine??”

He said something I will remember for the rest of my life “You didn’t have enough money to see the mountains how can I take money when you didn’t have enough money to see my country. Next time you come go to the mountains and come with an extended visa”

I was stumped and touched. He told me go on and this is the one of the most chearished memories I carry of Lebanon.

(Was written on the 1st of December) It’s not everyday that you get to mix Bacardi diet coke and Christmas carols!! ! I mean it was like an amazing feeling!! The Christmas season has kicked in full gear in Lebanon with my office people especially Ghada screaming about hanging an ornament on the tree every time I passed!!! The main star was to be put up by Nyla who was still on vacation. Tomorrow is my last day in Lebanon and since I didn’t have anything else to do I came to the bar and started to blog!!! I mean got bored and tripping on 5 Bacardi’s I was pretty high so please don t mind my usual way of writing without punctuation!! ! Also the feeling is like I am in a cathedral with a bunch of monks!!! And I just hiccupped and I am sure the whole fucking lobby heard me ….. The guys next to me are speaking English but yet I am not able to understand them!!! why oh why !! cos maybe I am drunk well living in misery for some time and the reason is on a need to know basis I am sorry to say that I am actually having a good time and I am planning to enjoy the same feeling when I reach India and will be riding my new bike !! For which I have been waiting for some time now!!! And for which I have paid completely and fully out of my own pocket!! ( In your face *******)So well Lebanon what did it teach me!! It taught me to be a miser and also that the best of the people can be found in bars!!! :D Yes Yes I know what you people are thinking that I am bloody drunkard and talking bullshit but u meet the most intriguing people in the bar maybe it be the bar tender whose father loves Indian spicy food or the other bar tender who is paying thru for his hospitality management course by working here. I love meeting people in this way cos you know that world doesn’t revolves around a PC and you CAN meet people without getting into the chat rooms although it’s a bit expensive !! and I love the culture people share here !! I mean I have been to the mountains and the buildings I saw there I sometime wish I could find a small home and settle here for good. But the things that stand out the most is the number of MI16’s I have seen over the last few days!!! Man its amazing that in sooo much and agony people smile and smile like as if nothing is wrong!! They are having a good time !!! and boy do they know how to have a good time !!! I will be going BO18 in some time and getting drunk till the nest morning so I can have a really good time !!!:D I deserve it!! I have been working my ass off for the last year or so!!! And I need a break from all of this. From the sandy deserts!! From the excuse of a life people live in Kuwait!! I don’t hate the country I just wish it had more to offer to the younger crowd.Anyways my drunk ramblings have gone on for some time now and I don’t wanna continue anymore !!! if I do I can never make it to Pacifico !! :P So good and having a fucking Good night !!!

The Lebanese Chronicles

Hmmm so I finally made it to Lebanon and as soon as I got off the first thing that it me was that as soon as reach the hotel and get changed I need to get the tickets for the COMA festival !! I am not a big fan of trance though I enjoy it as much as any other genre but the fact is that I actually enjoy playing house and lounge and down tempo but when I am on an amazing high I think very few artists who play trance can appease my appetite for spiritual enlightment .I mean I love all artists cos each one of them puts in that effort and have taken the risk of quitting their day jobs to do what truly is their calling and also the tie and effort put into it. Now going right back well I desperately caught a taxi and went to the ABC mall and straight to the Virgin stores to get my tickets which was something I had been dying to do since I heard about this concert Now ticket in hand and nothing to do so I asked the amazing lady at Virgin if she could suggest some place to listen to house music and the smile she gave told me I had found one of my own kind. She rattled off a name of a few places and told me that these were amazing places and maybe I might catch her there also. So again back in another taxi and onwards to Gemzeeyah which is like the music street and on either side of the street were pubs with variety of music flowing out and such. I found most of just opening but there was this particular one which I really liked maybe cos it was soo quaint and small and very very rustic. On a wooden stool I sat and had the first Bacardi in a long long long time. And after 2 drink and some haunting rock music I decided to move on. Oh I forgot this place is opposite to Rehab pub (which again was just opening) and has just enough space for about 25 people all packed together. Anyway they had a small Pioneer console with various people trying their hands on it but playing rock. Also they didn’t have a menu which was amazing cos the bartender was very generous with the drinks. No I decided to check out Monet street and once there i kept looking for “The Crocodile” and eventually found the Pacifico. Now what I didn’t know was that most of these places open at around 8 and till 5 am but the manager was nice guy and was able to help me out and provide me with a drink nonetheless and once we started talking I made some plans to meet up with him and talk to him. Now drunk and hungry as hell I thought about making an exit and was thinking what to do and also having an early morning the next day when the manager is like I think you want to leave and I said how did he know and he replied by saying that u asked for the bill which I had infact but he was like I know you are in a hurry but come back next weekend and enjoy the Latino music and talk more. Eventually back in the hotel I ate and slept early and was in the office the next morning. One thing I noticed in Lebanon and this made me immensely happy is that the sight of beautiful women driving fast cars. I mean its not everyday in India you see a smoking hot grl driving an amazing Ferrari or a Porsche. Anyways lots more coming up as I am here for some time and will keep posting regularly.

This is something I heard recently and really pissed me off though it also was something on the corny side. Let me go from the beginning. Now basically 2 guys I know and trust me they are just acquaintances were talking and since I had nothing better to do at the office I decided to eavesdrop into this oh so interesting conversation. And to my surprise I heard them talk about how Christians are ruining India. I was actually shocked and wanted to hear more so I just hung around. They continued by saying that “Christians” are the people who brought alcohol to India and ruining the country and how they are amazingly corrupt breed of people. And again they went ahead and started blaming India in a whole. They continued by saying that India is too free and that alcohol and women in India should be controlled. Any guesses what nations these two buffoons belonged to ??... Anyways they also had the nerve to say that since India is so free that is the main reason that it is getting corrupt. By this time I was so pissed off that I just walked off without saying anything. But again I decided to give them a piece of my mind. So I went back and told them that listen my country may not be the best but we try as hard as possible. And coming from you guys who belong to Pakistan and Bangladesh. Come on you dumb fucks your countries evolved from our country. And what condition it lies in!! Pakistan is a country kissing ass to the US at any given point of time and Bangladesh well lets just say that I have yet to see an extremely educated one till date. Pakistan and Bangladesh well I really don’t acre about both of them but I wanted to take these two peoples words and stuff it back into their mouths. Anyways after reprimanding them enough I went back to work. Though the thought of what they said still pissed me off!! I mean I am from Orissa and keeping the present scenario in mind I still feel strongly against what is happening there. Also I think I have spent some of the best time in my life with Christians. And also Punjabis: P. And I mean pure Punjabi none of that mixed breed shit. So basically something I thought I had to write about!!

The Ring !!

This ring was part of my life many years ago…. It has a stone in it “supposed” to be lucky…. Why do I write about this ring … cos every time I wore it I had bad luck. And not just bad luck it came in many colors too vivid to remember!!!! I mean I remember wearing it in school and trust me those were the worst days I don’t know how or why!! But somehow that ring is cursed. I hadn’t seen the ring in years. Then suddenly last night I found it while mom was doing her packing and all that!!! I was intrigues by it and again pulled towards like those old days… It does have this very antique kinda feeling towards it which makes it all the more desirable. Well my mom was like u can wear it as long as you don’t lose it. So finally I wore it and was feeling on top of the world. I always wanted to play on the decks with a ring on my finger especially something like this. I didn’t wear one before cos I am allergic to artificial ornaments. Well this was in silver the old school types. Anyway so after I wore it and dropped my parents downstairs and my dad’s friend took them to the airport. Well finally them gone I started searching the house for the elusive bottle of Chivas Regal which my dad had kept somewhere. Well eventually I found it and my joy knew no bounds …. I called up people in random to share my happiness. And people not in Kuwait but in India, Dubai, London, Amsterdam and Singapore. This is crazy cos when my dad gets the phone bill he will probably kill me. Told you that ring drives people crazy. Ok fine so I called my parents and they said the flight was delayed so they will call me when they leave. I started having my drink after having a shower and all the getting some Diet Coke. And after a few drink played some music and was having a good time. It had been almost 6 months since I had a decent drink, so I pulled out the crystal ware glasses and decanter and after a few drinks I was feeling nice and happy in my tummy. I actually had a very very nice feeling ……and then is started feeling hungry. Burger king was the only number I had and a Hershey’s Pie was all I wanted to eat cos last time I had bought it, it had fallen down somewhere while bringing it home. So after waiting for them to deliver and with one king burger, fries and Pepsi I sat talking to few friends online. Now all done and everything fine I decided to go to sleep. Besides I had office the next day and didn’t wanna be late especially with the extra work load these days. So I promptly switched off everything and was going to sleep when I got a call. Thinking it was some kid calling a restaurant but instead it was my dad. JOJO we are coming home the flight got cancelled. SHIT!!!! My room was in a mess … the crystal ware was still outside and smelling like booze. I think that was the quickest clean up operation I had veer done in my life. Hurrying away to glory cleaning and that also after being roused for a deep slumber I kept cursing myself thinking what had gone wrong when I saw the ring on my finger. Quietly I removed it place sin on my moms cheat of drawers and went back to sleep hoping to god dad and mom never find out about what has happened. They sleep in peace now as I am in office now and thinking what reaction awaits me when I reach home. If nothing happens I will see another day of drinking alone in this desert of prohibition. Otherwise its dry days again :( and the unpleasant memory of the night I wore THE RING.

The night with nothing to do !!

hmmmm !!! The night with nothing to do !! well it started pretty normally !!! weather was ok as there was no sand storm and we were bored like hell so after i returned from the gym i called Nigel. He was like lets meet up cos we had planned it and all though we didnt know what we were gonna do !! so i reached Salmiya around 10 and called Asmit we met up at the Pizza hut.(I got lost again ) Not hungry so we thought maybe a game of pool ... so to Monty's we headed ..... !! Thats where Nigel joined and we started a bet. The bet was he would shut his gob the whole night and not talk crap about me if i beat him !!! By the way he lost :P Anyways Benson joined us later on so we went hunting for food !! Now Benson took us to a place which served arabic food and was an awesome place ..... and the weird thing was it was named "Kuwaity Food" ( Just in case we didnt believe them " :D So while entering i reminded Nigel that Jean grills might have their Dessert Buffet tonight !! so we stood at the entrance of Kuwaity Food and were flipping a coin and deciding what to do !! with the manager of that place staring at us ...... well we moved to the Sultan Center and then one on the top floor Jeans Grill. And Nigel went crazy .... He still acts like a kid and the amount of sugar content around him drove him cuckoo !!! Eventually we ordered and after that huge amount of food the waiter kept asking us "r u done??" ...... Maybe cos it was 2 in the night and they were gonna close in some time or maybe cos we kept eating from each others plate and not paying accordingly !!!:) but then after that we just sat there after being completely full and extremely tired !!! Too lazy to move we gathered near the Burger King opposite to The Sultan Center !!! And i being totally full sat on the pavement and being totally bored decided to head to Marina beach!!! Once there we headed out on this jetty and sat there for hours together reminiscing about what we did in India and what we would do once we reached there !!!Nigel again being the idiot while passing the cigarettes to Benson ended up throwing them int0 the sea .... so there we were sitting there like dumbasses doing absolutely nothing .... well thats when Benson decided to go home and we eventually let him ....after another hour or so !!! so all this done me ,Nigel and Asmit decided to go home aftre seeing the sunrise and we had just enough for 2 slushies .... so there we sat there with a red and a blue slushie and staring at the horizon .... we were not the only ones by the way !!! There were tons and tons of people on the beach .... many of the barbecuing the whole night and chilling out in general with their sheeshaa's !!! Well it was nice to see this but not at 3 in the night !! anyways when the sun came out it was soo beautiful and we sat thr enjoying it tremendously !!! So another night wasted in Kuwait !!! Cant wait to make it back to India !!!

Pent up screams !!!

Ok suddenly since the last few days my morale has been going down even though all the right things have been happening!!! I mean I am having a good time in the office … the work is good and I am doing well … my MBA is coming up and I am excited about getting started with it. Also I am earning to buy that bike I have been thinking about for some time … but some thing seems to be eating me away for sometime … Whenever I am happy I feel like drawing or something and recently I haven’t touched any of my art work !!! Some awesome art work has been pending cos I cant get myself to get towards it. I think it’s the fact that maybe I am not happy!!! Something is missing …I have touched my console since the day I played in that party!! and I just feel like getting out of this country maybe its cos I don’t have any friends and i am tired of hanging out with my parents … not that I don’t like it its just I am bored of listening about how I have to handle my future and how I should invest and what is right and what is wrong and why I am not getting a raise at work and why why why ….. !!!! its driving me nuts I wish there was some way I could vent all of this. I think about the days in Bangalore my place was always filled with people!!! Someone was always coming and going!!! And now I haven’t seen a single new person or met anyone new except my parents and my office people!!! I mean they are all very nice and stuff but this monotonous life is killing me …. There is nothing to do!!And being surrounded by two countries where one side the US is creating havoc and the other side you cant enter!! Its like being trapped from both sides cos even I want to travel … and the only bloody traveling I do is to the office and back … I thought that on the weekend I could go away somewhere!!! All this place has is malls and more malls …. And God knows how many Starbucks are there here !!! I am slowly but steadily losing it !!!

I hate this place but I have to stay!!!!! I need help …. Right now all that can save me maybe is a phone call!!! I just need to run away!!!or maybe even an email !!!

The Taxi Driver

Well I had a very lazy weekend when I decide to write this blog… I actually decided to pen it down cos I was returning late at night after a party and the taxi driver proved to be an awesome source of information and I have decided to write this blog about him .......
When I entered the cab and after the usual directions given we both started talking. Usually I don’t talk but the taxi driver insisted on talking so I joined in .He told me he was from Syria and that he was a teacher. My first reaction was so why the fuck r u driving a taxi. He told me he taught physical education in Kuwait in a special school. Which I gather must mean a school for children with special needs. Then he continued by saying that since the salary wasn’t good he quit and got himself 3 cars and converted them to taxis. I asked did he miss his previous life. His answer gave such insight that I decided to write this down. He said he had been working under a manager most of his life. He wanted to be free. With the taxis he earns well. And he is free. I didn’t understand and I guess it registered on my face. So he opened his glove compartment and showed me his passport and visas and stuff he’s like whenever I feel like I travel. No one to stop me or question me. I just get some money and travel to Syria whenever I feel like. I know this doesn’t sound a lot to others but I was impressed. Being an engineer and more educated and stuff I never had the guts to do something like this. I guess the more we r taught the more we need the necessity of a security blanket. I mean look at this guy he earns more than me and has to answer to no one. And in general is damn happy. And while getting out of the cab he said something which I have heard always here and there but somehow I knew he meant it cos he said “Do whatever makes u happy and the rest will follow”.

सोच और खोज

Well let’s get it started I have a very bad habit …. I lose interest. I become bored. I mean lose interest in everything eventually … except for a few minor things but yes I do lose interest fast and maybe it is my inability to commit to something… …..4 jobs in 2 years though I am sticking to the present one( parental pressure and emotional blackmail)…. Now when the word commit comes forward no one actually goes ahead and tells me that being the bum I am I cant commit to anything ….. People around me tend to think I can’t stick to anything …..Trust me I want to but due to some circumstances and also to excel more and more has refrained me from doing so. I guess that’s the reason why my most of my girlfriends break up with me…….. I mean I know have commitment issues … but the problem is that they are never ready to go on for some time they want an assurance that they will eventually get married …….come on people …. I mean what the hell should I do … I mean I keep telling them lets try this out for some time before jumping to any conclusions or decisions…. My last girlfriend (name withheld) was so hung on the fact that she eventually wanted to get married that even I went along … I didn’t mind I mean told her why not maybe somewhere down the line hell I even pushed it ahead……. but then one night I had a huge panic attack and after witnessing a domestic disturbance I was not so keen on the idea … so I jus called her and said maybe the marriage things is not a great idea and maybe we should be happy right now rather than thinking about the future and all that I mean we have a lot of time on our hands…. First she sends me a mail detailing of what I have done wrong with her she goes ahead and tells me we should break up … I was like fine.. Ok( Now she wants to get back together again !!!) … I don’t get girls well I get some of them but most of them drive me nuts … I know a few friends who got married really early... I mean they were in love and I respect that and all that ….Just that I mean come on go out discover the world there is so much possibility out there I understand that u were college and school sweethearts and all but what the hell think out of the box go meet new people get a broader perspective on things…I mean u can always come back to what you want … but in the process of reaching there u might find something better and this is not only for relationships its for a lot of other things …life is a learning graph which has to be climbed I mean every girl I have dated I have learnt something new ….or she has learnt something new as well …well not only for me but for many others !!! I know this sounds wrong to all the purists but u know how that works..!!! I mean I know its ok to love and be loved but why settle for something less than what you deserve …along the way u will see the breakups and the fights and the usual nakhras and things and they actually go a certain step ahead in preparing you for a much fuller and satisfying relationship …. I mean if u do decide to go ahead with your relation the old one then shouldn’t you know more about each other and trust me in college or in school u never know what it is .. I mean meet for a few hours a day u talk blah blah ….. and the usual go to the coffee place for a drink talk blah blah and then u have a fight about what u should wear and why u not going on the weekend together and all that most of the relations I know sour by the end of college and usually end after both of then have settled down somewhere else but yes not all is lost in these relations u might crib about it but then there are people who have had a very healthy relation due to this ….. I mean also there are pros and cons in everything!!! so yaa there u have it the most weirdest blog I have written cos I really couldn’t see a few of my friends grinding their asses sticking to their gfs from college and school and coming every weekend telling me why I don’t “settle” down and then expect me to stuck to the same girl … I am 24 its time for me to enjoy life … I mean I don’t cheat when I am dating a certain person but then I don’t see the reason that why I should invest time money and my emotions on something which might not even work out in the end !!!! and I don’t believe in dragging something which will eventually end in a very bad way…. I hate it when friends of mine come and crib that everything is not going well …. That relationship is really difficult and blah blah !!! Besides the usual its gonna be ok and all that what I really wanna tell them is listen man “DON’T CRIB “ either figure it out and try to make it work or just move on no amount of cribbing will help you out !!! …. Anyway my final words are people when it comes to relationships and something which I am trying to follow from now onwards is “Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”

How do u say goodbye to someone you know you can’t live without. I heard this in some movie. It made so much sense that I decided to write about it. For the last couple of years I have moved from place to place to find solace in sex, drugs, alcohol and women in every way possible and not always in that order. Every time I get drunk I think and people never ask me about it cos they know once they do it just pisses me off. Every time I see that snap she gave me I think what the hell it could have been so much better. People say that time heals everything. I somehow can’t believe that because as I sit here I have never felt so lonely in my life. Maybe because I don’t have any friends or my parents are back in India. I haven’t heard from her in 5 years but I can’t get myself to believe that it won’t work out though something tells me that it was never meant to be. I still can’t get myself to agree to that. I know it would have better had I got some form of closure. She just stopped everything. Calling, talking and everything and the worst of things was that I had to see her everyday. Day in and day out see her frolicking about as if nothing had happened. Although that hurt after 2 years I had the guts to start my life new. So I prayed jus before reaching my destination that “Oh God please be sure I never see her again”. And there she was the minute I got off near my new place. I eventually got another place moved on and tried to fall in love with every single girl I dated. I actually wanted to fall in love with someone I wanted to feel loved in that way. I never did get that feeling again. I mean for the instant that I was with others I never felt the same. But you must have heard that a billion times already. Maybe it is because of the reason that I never got to know the reason I broke up .Eventually I got the courage and one fine early morning I called her and asked me just one question. “Why? “And she continued talking and said are you coming for some wedding and I got pissed and asked what the hell she was talking about. Nothing all I got was it’s been a really long time ago. The conversation ended with me screaming. Maybe people call me stupid and needy and not moving on but maybe its time I said this aloud. Cause every time someone mentions her and looks at me for some approval it kills me. That people somehow still link me with her. Every time I get drunk I fell I maybe should call her and ask why it ended. At least tell me it’s my fault. Blame me! I actually don’t know till date why we broke up. I remember someone actually went ahead and said that I ruined their wedding cos she didn’t come. I mean I traveled half way across the country to go that wedding traveling with almost no money. And the person says why did you call her, now she’s not coming for the wedding. This person actually is very very close to me. This was not something I expected to hear from her. I was devastated. But I continued and I just can’t believe that others don’t believe it was me who got screwed in this whole deal. I have been living with this nightmare for the last 4 years. That every time I sleep I jus hope I don’t dream about her ever again and if I do I never wake up again. You know something which really hurt. That every time I think I have gotten over her something comes back and haunts me. Every time I am alone I think .Maybe I won’t get over her ever again or maybe I will find someone who will take her place but somehow I hope it’s the latter because it’s not easy being alone and thinking about how to say goodbye.

hugs and cookie boxes

Well I never disliked anyone in my life and I when I did I made sure the person felt I can never hide my emotions and somehow according to a lot of people that is a sign of weakness which I somehow don't seem to believe !!! I mean spread the love and if u can't then don't give false notions about it!!!!.... Hmm well coming back to what I actually thought!!!... Well hmm so it goes this way when I was young I had gone to SANA it's a clothing store and there my dad was buying some stuff when I went off in my own direction and ended up in the lingerie section (don't ask how but somehow I always ended up there) now the details are hazy in my head cos it was such a long time ago!! And there I saw this Pakistani guy who was looking around and when he saw he asked "r u lost??"... I said "my dads around ".That's when he held my hand and started rubbing himself against me … I never told this story to anyone and I was shocked like hell and with all the energy I could muster up I punched him where it really hurts and ran and eventually found my dad and by the time my dad understood and started chasing him he was long gone!!!!!Well it was such a long time ago,that I had forgotten and have no such hate for any Pakistanis as such… Actually I always thought they were a part of us cos I never realized how much they are hated by Indians until I went to India and actually saw the amount of hatred people have against them and even though living in India I just couldn't find myself to hate them or u know share the feelings shared my countrymen ( though during an INDO-PAK match I was all the Indian I could be) …. The thing is well this story is not about the INDO-PAK relations or that damn bus … It's about me and the cookie box …. From the time I was kid I can never forget Mushtaq uncle I think there is not a time that I am home and he hasn't come to see me … a very religious man he has a mark on his
forehead which is due the many times he bends down to pray everyday touching his forehead on the ground...... and his son who was pretty young chap donated one of his kidneys to save his uncle not even his father….. I know that there are some huge sacrifices done by others but some how this is one of the biggest one I have seen and to me the way he has taught his son to be man shows what a great human being he is …. Mushtaq uncle is Pakistani by the way and he's like a shorter version of Santa Claus … Now u must be wondering where the hell the cookie box fits in!!! Well every time he comes home he gets a cookie box. And I love them only when he gets them every vacation I have been home I used to look forward to his visits!!!! and this time when I reached home I told mom that he's gonna come and gonna get cookies andmy mom was like you should grow up and I was like no he's gonna get it and he did and I made of rubbing it into my moms face I told her hahahahah … and ate the whole box even though my mom was not very happy about that fact.... And "The Hug" oh my god its one of the warmest hugs on earth even when I had gone meet him after he was admitted in a hospital he didn't shy from giving one his bear hugs ….I just love every thing about him ….. So why do I mention about him and the cookie box today well yesterday he called me and u know I have been in Kuwait for sometime alone and he called and the first thing he asked was did u eat dinner ???….I mean that was not only touching for the fact that it was Mushtaq Uncle but the fact that even though there are so many friends of my dad he was the only one who called and asked if I needed anything at all I could just call him ….that means more tome than anything else … more than a persons nationality …!!!!

lonely in the desert

All people are scared …scared of something or the else and whoever tells u otherwise is lying ….. People are scared of darkness, of snakes; of dying ….something or the else …u get the picture ….. I am scared of being lonely …. So much that there is very few times that I have had a meal alone in my life till date…. Being alone turns me off and the last few days haven’t been a ball!! Yaa I am writing this down cos I have been alone for the last week and I don’t mean alone as in at home alone or something … stuck in this country all alone….I grew up in this country but none of the people whom I knew are still here !! I mean they have either moved out or r in India. And I hated growing up here. So much that I don’t have any memories except for a few and they are the worst of them so they are etched into my memory .But India now that’s a place I truly call home where everyone is not the best but u can at least talk and make people understand you.And the food….!!! I don’t like cribbing but when you come home and know there is no one waiting that is the worst feeling of your life. I actually love going to work cos I can talk to people. At home I haven’t heard my own voice in days the only sound is the music or the typing and with the internet fucked up … well my parents are in India and me here with no one else. All my clothes are washed and ironed, my room is meticulously clean, all the dishes done and I have finished The Fountainhead and The Godfather twice which is not bad. Well actually I am doing what my dad always wanted me to do though not approvingly .I am facing my fears!!!! What to say I am alone at home drinking Perrier and thinking what to do next . كسؤمك

a books cover

Ok now I don't know how to put this into words but somehow this emotion which I felt I thought should be felt by others and maybe they won't repeat the same mistake. Well it started something like people who have been in touch know where I am working and all so usually I take a lunch break say around 1 in the afternoon . Now my office is in the basement and I hate eating the dining space because it's so suffocating and dark and so not me and since being the foodie I am I try to get out sit and enjoy my meal. There is a restaurant nearby but since I have been on a diet (God knows which time this is) I went out and sat on this construction site which was taking place near our office. I guess its an extension of our office. Also the view while sitting there is awesome cos u can see a huge horizon with only the desert and the cold wind blowing on your face. Plus listening to my ipod and playing was Above and Beyond (Anjuna Beats) – the Goa set which was played on new years in India for the Sunburn festival. Well in short I was in my own island of peace & serenity, in the process secluding me from the din of the computer, printers and the Xerox machines. While I was enjoying my lunch which considered of an apple and a juice I felt a rumble and looked up to see a station wagon pulling up. So what but this one I think had actually been a part of the onslaught of the American soldiers into Iraq. I wouldn't be caught dead in that vehicle but it kept pulling up and obstructed my view ……..Damn!!! And the captain of this magnificent ship resembled captain Hook himself I mean he was tattered and shabby and sported stubble which might have been around 4 to 5 days old with a thin film of cement covering all his clothes. It was like he had walked out from a flour mill. And me in my best suit perfectly ironed to impress my client gave him the dirtiest stare I could muster which meant "stay away or else ….." And by the time he stopped the car, opened the door and walked out I was getting cozy with my apple and juice and drifted back to "la la land". But that day wasn't meant to be on my terms. A huge shadow as cast and I looked up to see the guy looking at me and mumbling some thing. In my mind I thought" Oh man now what does he want?" So reluctantly and internally damning this man to hell I removed and separated my self from my music and asked him in my best gruff voice I could as to what the problem was? And then he did something I never expected him to do. He smiled and said "Roti kahenge aap ?" which means "would you like to share my meal?" (for my Hindi impaired friends).I was shocked and ashamed. I guess he didn't like me sitting and eating an apple or my size just made him think I would remain hungry on an apple and juice but I accepted and said "Kyon nahin !!" which means "Why not!!". And there as I sat eating some dal which I never had the guts to ask him what it was with warm roti's in the biting cold here the view just didn't matter more. I actually couldn't say it to him but I guess he understood. I guess all he wanted was someone to share his food. The guilt which stayed with me stayed for a few days till I met him again and although it was the same him with his usual nonchalant attitude I just realized how someone who worked on the roof of my office building taught me how not judge a book by its cover.